At one time, I used to work for an IT Services company.  I worked with this company for a bit over 4 years, and during this time was usually sold off to client companies on long term projects.  Working for this company was alot of fun.  My colleagues were sharp, and fun to hang out with… and management was considerate and understanding.  After a little time there, management stuck the word “Senior” in front of my title, and started letting me have my choice of assignments.  It was a good time.  I would have probably stuck around longer, but becoming a new father forced me to seek out a higher salary.

One time when I was in-between long projects, I was sitting in the shop area enjoying a cup of java… and debating on what to work on.  Should I install a new pickup assembly in the LaserJet?… or should I replace the cooling fan in the Armada?… or should I keep surfing for another hour?  Anyway… my manager, Dave, came over and asked me if I would be good enough to cover a Help Desk assignment for a few weeks.  Ugh.  Help Desk?  Why don’t you just gouge out my eyes?  But… he needed someone in a hurry… and I like Dave… so I take one for the company.

Two weeks later, I’m sitting in the Help Desk area… counting the days until my release from this daily hell.  Putting aside the slew of mind-numbing and/or frustrating calls over the past 10 business days… I’m suffering because the coffee really blew in this place… so I’d been sustaining myself on Mountain Dew.  I’m not in the best of moods… <enter a phone call from Mr. Vice-President Snapperhead>.

<<RING>>

Me:  Grrrrrr.

<<RING>> <<click>>

Me:  Help Desk.  How can I assist you?

VP:  My name is John Snapperhead.  I’m the VICE-PRESIDENT in charge of Sales for the ENTIRE West Coast!!!  My laptop doesn’t work.  When my laptop isn’t working, then I can’t make any sales.  When I’m not making any sales because of a defective laptop, then you are getting very close to losing your job…. <<pause>>… WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!?!?!

Ohhh…. I smile just thinking about it.  Let me remind everyone right now… at this time, I work for an IT Services company.  I’m a contractor.  This place could “fire me” today… and I’ll be working someplace else by tomorrow morning.  What does this mean?  Mostly that I don’t care… so I’m not about to take this guy’s personal brand of abuse… so BRING IT ON!!!

Me:  Oh… thank you… I needed a good chuckle.  OK… let’s see if we can fix your problem.

VP:  You know… you’re really rude.  I don’t appreciate your attitude.

Me:  What attitude?  You’re the one who started with the threats…

VP <coldly>:  Let me speak with your manager… now.

Well… let me insert, that my manager on this client assignment is a good guy.  He rose from the ranks, and doesn’t take any sh|t either.  We got along famously from moment one.  I transfer the VP over to him with the details.  About 10 minutes later, the call comes bouncing back to me.

VP:  Let’s try this again.  I need my laptop fixed.

Me:  OK.  What seems to be the problem?

VP:  It doesn’t work.

Me <heavy sigh>:  Can you be a little more specific? 

VP:  I can’t work.  My laptop is broken.  What part don’t you understand?

Me:  I understand that you laptop is broken… beyond that, we seem to have a breakdown in communications.

VP:  Dammit… Let me talk to your manager again.

Me:  Hold on.

Once again… the call bounces to my manager and back to me.  The VP has once again been calmed down.

VP:  Now how are we going to fix this situation.

Me:  OK.  Go ahead and power on your laptop and tell me what happens as you do so.

VP:  No.  I’m not going to spend hours on the phone with you while you talk me through ridiculous “tests”.  I know you people just do that to us to make us feel like we’re accomplishing something.

Me:  Ooooo-kaayyyy.  Then how am I supposed to figure out what’s wrong with your laptop?

VP:  You’re not.  You’re going to send me a new laptop.

Me <cocking an eyebrow>:  No.  That’s not going to happen.  We’re the help desk… not a warehouse. 

VP:  You will send me a new laptop immediately.

Me:  Once again, the avenues of communication are breaking down…

VP:  You are very rude!

Me:  Indeed.  Would you like to speak with my Manager?!

VP:  Yes… I would!

Me:  PLEASE HOLD!!!

Volley… volley… it’s like watching Tennis, ain’t it?!?!

OK… let me sum this up.  If I tell the entire story, I might inadvertently use up all of Chad’s web space.  After another hour of this comedy, since he won’t tell us anything about the problem… the VP finally agrees to ship the laptop to us.  Two days later, I unpack the laptop.  It’s filthy… it’s grimy… it won’t power on… and I’m not sure, but it’s entirely possible that the VP might have wiped his a$$ with the touchpad.  Taking it to my manager, we share a good laugh… and then call the VP up to inform him that he’ll be receiving a bill for about $2,000 dollars.

Now… we don’t necessarily want the money.  The company will cover the replacement of the laptop provided that the damage wasn’t malicious.  However, this VP is awfully tight-lipped, and doesn’t want to tell us what foolish act led to the laptop’s current condition.  So… we are taking this as a personal challenge and are going to make him to tell us.  We need the laugh.  This phone call is a strict bluff to force this VP to admit his mistakes.  At this point, the Manager and I are almost drunk with POWER…

So what happened?

Vice-President Snapperhead, in charge of Western-type Sales, was entertaining some clients.  He took them four-wheeling in his jeep… which led them over some damp, sandy beach terrain.  Well… he decided to stop… and managed to get the jeep stuck in the wet sand.  Not wanting to lose a sale from looking foolish, he called up a towing service and left the jeep behind.  Hailing a taxi, he took his potential customers out to dinner with the expectation that his jeep would be dropped off at his home in an hour or two.  Also… he left his laptop in the jeep… but it was safely tucked under the seat.  That always fools those pesky thieves, dont’cha know.

All in all… it was a NEARLY flawless plan.  Unfortunately, he overlooked one small detail… the TIDE.  When the tow truck arrived, the driver decided to come back later seeing as the jeep was submerged.  In my opinion, he should have been damn happy that he still had the laptop.  Otherwise, he would have been paying for it.

Ohhh… I laughed so hard… then I went to celebrate this bit of comedy by taking an extra long lunch… and quested for a decent cup of coffee at a Wawa.

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