Many years ago, Chad introduced me to Jason.  Jason was an entertaining sort, because he was always on the hunt… and was always up for throwing together the next gathering.  Anyway… one evening, I got a call from Chad.  There was a party at Jason’s place… his car was finally on it’s last leg, and he wanted to give it a funeral.

For those of you who never had the privledge of knowing Jason’s car… let me introduce you.

This is Kimberly… (or at least what she would have looked like when she was new.)

Kimberly is a 1980 Nissan Datsun 280zx.  It was the two-toned gold/black version of the Datsun 10th Anniversary Edition.  Why was Jason’s car named "Kimberly"?  Well… from what I understand, in high school there was one girl that Jason had a thing for.  He yearned for Kimberly.  Unfortunately, Kimberly gave it up to everyone except Jason.  Bitch.

So anyway… Jason named his car after her.  However, with his love unrequited, the car soon became the target of numerous jests… all engineered to be at Kimberly’s expense.  Kimberly… the real Kimberly that is… if you’re reading this… you could have avoided all of this abuse by taking 15 minutes out of your life to give Jason a quick knob…  BUT NOOOOO!!!!

Anyway… Chad had called me up the night before and told me that we were all getting together for a wake in honour of Kimberly.  Always up for a good time… and usually bored (this is Northern Delaware after all), I quickly volunteered to officiate over the ceremony.

The next day, I ditched out of work early and ran home to do some laundry and iron my suit.  Since I was going for the whole minister/priest look… a collar was necessary.  Unfortunately, I didn’t own anything like that… so I grabbed a white dress shirt and put it on backwards… and then slid a black t-shirt over it.  With my black suit on top of it, the only white visible was the collar around my neck.  Sweet!

Well… now I was running late.  So I snatched up my bible… dove in the car… and tore up Rte. 273.  My tardiness had gotten the better of me, and I started to lean on the accelerator.  My little Civic took off… going downhill… and with a decent tail-wind… I think at one point I managed to get it up to 65mph.  (It wasn’t much of a car… it got from A to B… that was about it.)  Unfortunately, on this evening… the stars aligned, the tide was right… and I was apparently going just fast enough to catch the attention of a bored Maryland trooper.

After expeling a slew of colorful metaphors upon seeing the bright, flashing bubblegum machine in my rearview; I pulled over onto the shoulder and awaited my fate.  I was confident I was going to have my license taken away right then and there… because I had points… BIG POINTS.  I was not looking forward to the encounter that was about to transpire… fortunately, it all worked out.  And here’s how it transpired:

Cop: Alright, God’dammit… where’s the fire?
Me:  Excuse me?
Cop: Oh… I… I’m sorry, Father.

<< No shit… this really happened.  In the cop’s defense… it was very dark. On the flip side… he was very young looking, so probably equally as gulible.  The conversation continues… >>

Me:  Don’t be sorry.  You’re doing your job.
Cop: I didn’t know… I…
Me:  My appologies, Officer.  I was speeding.  I’m sorry, but I’m late.  I’m on my way to a viewing.  I didn’t want to keep the family waiting.
Cop: Well… why don’t you just go ahead.
Me:  No… no.  I was speeding, and you caught me.
Cop: No… really Father.  Go ahead.  Just try to slow it down.
Me:  Go with God.

The cop returned to his car, and I took off… casually at first, and then like a bat out of hell… wanting to get over that state border before Mr. Policeman managed to make any sudden any realizations.  I hit Delaware… slid through Newark’s back S-turn… around the shopping center… and into the party.  The festivities were already in full swing.

Jason greeted me just inside the front door with a freshly-opened, cold beer.  The evening was destined to be worth the trip.  Chad was making toasts and being a bad influence on most around him… so what else is new?  Tom and Kerry took the prize for best dressed couple.  And Pickering… well… Pickering was drunk (but that’s another story for another time).  The gathering was a good humored look at life and death through beer bottle glasses.  It was a most relaxed and inviting evening.

Finally, a hour or two into the festivities, it was time to pay our respects.  With a bottle in one hand and my Bible in the other, I invited everyone to gather around Kimberly.  After a brief reading (from an inverted Bible), we had a hymn.  If memory serves me correctly, we sang the Banana Boat song.  Then, Jason invited anyone with anything to share in memory of Kimberly to step forward and share thier thoughts.

I can only remember a few of those thoughts… (so if anyone can remember any more, then please fill in the blanks).  Here’s a few of the mourners words:

Kimberly was easy to work on, but was high maintenance and expensive to keep.
Kimberly could fit 2 up front easily, and a third in the back in you squeezed in.
Kimberly always gave great headroom.
Kimberly never wanted to turn over on a cold morning.
If you put too much power behind her, then her rear-end always tended to slide around.

Finally… everyone climbed up on Kimberly and took her for one last ride.  She managed to lurch forward about 2 feet… shuttered… and passed on.

We had a moment of silence.

Then we went back to drinking. As you can see… a good time was had by all.

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